Letting God
Some people are natural dreamers and go getters. They see a goal and they tackle it. That is NOT me. As I have stated before I do not dream well. I plan. I am practical. I am a "what if" person. I have contingencies on contingencies. We're taking a trip to the zoo? ok who's going, what kind of accidents are likely to happen(medical or potty), does it come at a time people tend to be hungry, what is the potential weather, how long will we be there? Practical problems can be prepared for, I will take a bag of things we might need and plan the time and route according to the predictable needs of those in the group. The biggest difference with dreams is there are too many unknowns to either answer the what ifs or even know which what ifs might come into play. Dreams are ambiguous. You don't know what the true outcome will be.
All that said I am allowing/forcing myself to be more comfortable with the concept of the unknown. This is incredibly hard. I like control. With control I can plan for or at the very least steer to the best possible outcome. With unknown you lose preparation, it's all improv, quick decisions. The truth is none of these things are really a problem for me. I can make reasonable quality decisions in the moment taking in lots of factors without thinking about it. Without thinking, when I think about having to make those quick decisions I lose confidence in my abilities. Confidence. I don't lose that ability but I lose the faith or trust that I can.
Trust. Now that's a whole other can of worms. Most of us, if we're honest, have some form of issue with trust. Some are bigger than others. Let's face reality, my control issue is rooted in trust. I have no idea if I can trust other people or not, but if I do it myself I will be the only one to blame if it fails, and I am fully aware of my own abilities. I have plenty of reason not to trust people, the times I have had my trust broken are too numerous to even start counting and I wouldn't want to. Many of those are long since forgiven, some even completely forgotten. Others are still processing. Big hurts are difficult to forgive once and move on. I honestly have wondered if that's part of the what Jesus was talking about when he said not to forgive 7 times but 70x7. It's not forgiving someone exactly 490 times that they hurt you, but continuing to forgive until you can truly give it over to God and stop taking it back.
Back to the dream thing. Remember that big dream from my first ever blog post? It's terrifying! The other day that same friend who likes to torture me as a form of encouragement sent me a message that simply said "They are waiting -for what? For YOU, they don't know it yet, but they are going to love you!!" when it was sent I read it, got that it was a quote from the greatest showman and moved on. I was busy. Later that day I was passively watching it and turned my attention to it for the song "come alive". In the middle of that song, they accidentally burst through the curtains, for the first show and are face to face with a crowd. In that moment they are faced with every fear they have that people will laugh, throw things, scream, have any and every negative reaction possible. But they don't. That's when Barnum finds the bearded woman hiding behind the curtain. The line that my friend sent me is exactly what he says to her before sending her to face her fears. They ultimately gain confidence from the friendly faces of a few children(yeah there's a lesson in that too, but that's for later), and continue with confidence rather than fear.
I greatly relate with the bearded woman in this movie. Her "flaws" are outward, most of mine are not. However I understand her fear and desire to hide. If I am not in front of people they won't notice when I fail. Not if, when. The expectation is that failure is not only an option but a certainty. Now don't get me wrong, I have had a pretty easy time with life until this point. I have no major hurdles to overcome family wise, education wise, or even socio-economically. I have however been bullied. I have been basically mediocre at everything I have ever tried: sports, music, even academics which seemed strong in high school faltered in college. So when it comes to succeeding at things, I struggle to believe I am the right fit. There's always someone more desirable than me. Right now I find myself staring at a piece of this dream. Not the end by any means, but a step in the process for sure. And I am afraid, of 2 things really First that it will be ripped out from under me at any moment. I have finally reached a point where I am one hundred percent ready to follow God into this, and I am afraid every step that suddenly we'll stop and He'll tell me someone else will finish it. I finally let myself want this and that would be heart breaking. Secondly that I will fall flat on my face in front of everyone. Now in this case that could be literal or figurative and for once I think figurative would be worse. This friend I talk about is more family than friend. So when I realized what was meant by that line it made me both smile and want to throw something. It was encouraging in the most obnoxious way. They knew my heart, and they believed in my dream. I really admire the determination and spirit of the bearded woman. She has so much going against her in life and yet later when the person who inspired her to be confident turns his back on her she responds with strength. "When the sharpest words wanna cut me down. I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out. I am brave, I am bruised I am who I'm meant to be, this is me. Look out 'cause here I come. And I'm marching on to the beat I drum. I'm not scared to be seen,I make no apologies, this is me." I am not scared to be seen... that's a complete 180 from where she started being afraid to leave the curtain. I love the picture this paints, bruised but exactly as it should be. To take away any of the hard journey to this place would be to take away the impact it brings. The scars and bruises are part of the way it is supposed to turn out.
I am not there yet. I am working on it. The big thing about all of this is that if I am placing my trust in God, then my confidence is in him, not me. Not my abilities. I am simply tagging along. He will take out the problems, I will simply follow. I have this image of being in a thick jungle and God is my guide with a machete. He will clear the path and point out the dangers that need to be avoided, I simply need to follow and listen. That thought speaks so clearly to every piece of my life, not just this one dream.
One last thought. I am constantly reminded that this is all by God's grace. I saw a quote the other day on facebook attributed to Chuck Swindoll, "Yes, you may feel unqualified, uneducated, untrained, undergifted, or even unworthy. yet...those are excellent qualifications for God to do a mighty work." Note, unwilling wasn't on that list. For everything I am not, I am trying to be willing.
All that said I am allowing/forcing myself to be more comfortable with the concept of the unknown. This is incredibly hard. I like control. With control I can plan for or at the very least steer to the best possible outcome. With unknown you lose preparation, it's all improv, quick decisions. The truth is none of these things are really a problem for me. I can make reasonable quality decisions in the moment taking in lots of factors without thinking about it. Without thinking, when I think about having to make those quick decisions I lose confidence in my abilities. Confidence. I don't lose that ability but I lose the faith or trust that I can.
Trust. Now that's a whole other can of worms. Most of us, if we're honest, have some form of issue with trust. Some are bigger than others. Let's face reality, my control issue is rooted in trust. I have no idea if I can trust other people or not, but if I do it myself I will be the only one to blame if it fails, and I am fully aware of my own abilities. I have plenty of reason not to trust people, the times I have had my trust broken are too numerous to even start counting and I wouldn't want to. Many of those are long since forgiven, some even completely forgotten. Others are still processing. Big hurts are difficult to forgive once and move on. I honestly have wondered if that's part of the what Jesus was talking about when he said not to forgive 7 times but 70x7. It's not forgiving someone exactly 490 times that they hurt you, but continuing to forgive until you can truly give it over to God and stop taking it back.
God is working on my trust issues, along with many others. Proverbs 3:5-6 has a tendency to hit me right between the eyes. "Trust in the Lord with all your
heart And do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways
acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight" For someone who has significant training in a managerial capacity leaning not on my own understanding is like asking my 2 year old to sit alone in front of a bowl of candy and not eat any once they are alone. While not impossible, it is a monumental task. Then again it's not supposed to be in my power it's done anyway. So I am working on that. I just have to let it go (cue music). Or rather let God.
Back to the dream thing. Remember that big dream from my first ever blog post? It's terrifying! The other day that same friend who likes to torture me as a form of encouragement sent me a message that simply said "They are waiting -for what? For YOU, they don't know it yet, but they are going to love you!!" when it was sent I read it, got that it was a quote from the greatest showman and moved on. I was busy. Later that day I was passively watching it and turned my attention to it for the song "come alive". In the middle of that song, they accidentally burst through the curtains, for the first show and are face to face with a crowd. In that moment they are faced with every fear they have that people will laugh, throw things, scream, have any and every negative reaction possible. But they don't. That's when Barnum finds the bearded woman hiding behind the curtain. The line that my friend sent me is exactly what he says to her before sending her to face her fears. They ultimately gain confidence from the friendly faces of a few children(yeah there's a lesson in that too, but that's for later), and continue with confidence rather than fear.
I greatly relate with the bearded woman in this movie. Her "flaws" are outward, most of mine are not. However I understand her fear and desire to hide. If I am not in front of people they won't notice when I fail. Not if, when. The expectation is that failure is not only an option but a certainty. Now don't get me wrong, I have had a pretty easy time with life until this point. I have no major hurdles to overcome family wise, education wise, or even socio-economically. I have however been bullied. I have been basically mediocre at everything I have ever tried: sports, music, even academics which seemed strong in high school faltered in college. So when it comes to succeeding at things, I struggle to believe I am the right fit. There's always someone more desirable than me. Right now I find myself staring at a piece of this dream. Not the end by any means, but a step in the process for sure. And I am afraid, of 2 things really First that it will be ripped out from under me at any moment. I have finally reached a point where I am one hundred percent ready to follow God into this, and I am afraid every step that suddenly we'll stop and He'll tell me someone else will finish it. I finally let myself want this and that would be heart breaking. Secondly that I will fall flat on my face in front of everyone. Now in this case that could be literal or figurative and for once I think figurative would be worse. This friend I talk about is more family than friend. So when I realized what was meant by that line it made me both smile and want to throw something. It was encouraging in the most obnoxious way. They knew my heart, and they believed in my dream. I really admire the determination and spirit of the bearded woman. She has so much going against her in life and yet later when the person who inspired her to be confident turns his back on her she responds with strength. "When the sharpest words wanna cut me down. I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out. I am brave, I am bruised I am who I'm meant to be, this is me. Look out 'cause here I come. And I'm marching on to the beat I drum. I'm not scared to be seen,I make no apologies, this is me." I am not scared to be seen... that's a complete 180 from where she started being afraid to leave the curtain. I love the picture this paints, bruised but exactly as it should be. To take away any of the hard journey to this place would be to take away the impact it brings. The scars and bruises are part of the way it is supposed to turn out.
I am not there yet. I am working on it. The big thing about all of this is that if I am placing my trust in God, then my confidence is in him, not me. Not my abilities. I am simply tagging along. He will take out the problems, I will simply follow. I have this image of being in a thick jungle and God is my guide with a machete. He will clear the path and point out the dangers that need to be avoided, I simply need to follow and listen. That thought speaks so clearly to every piece of my life, not just this one dream.
One last thought. I am constantly reminded that this is all by God's grace. I saw a quote the other day on facebook attributed to Chuck Swindoll, "Yes, you may feel unqualified, uneducated, untrained, undergifted, or even unworthy. yet...those are excellent qualifications for God to do a mighty work." Note, unwilling wasn't on that list. For everything I am not, I am trying to be willing.
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