Trust

Too many thoughts today. I was going back looking at past conversations where I had really started to think about Gideon. What I saw in the conversations was interesting. 3 months ago, I had zero confidence that God could ever use me in a big way. 3 months! granted at this point God's been working on me in this particular area for almost a year, but the last 3 months there has been some serious progress. I have reached a point where I am trusting God. Now, don't misunderstand, that doesn't mean life has gotten magically easier or that I am not struggling my way through this, but I have made a choice to trust God. We always talk about how love is a choice, we have to choose to love people even when we don't like them very much, especially your spouse. Trust can be very similar. There are many instances of broken trust in my life, and they can either lead to me not trusting(that person, situation, or anyone in general) or I can learn from it, but still choose to trust. I am not saying that there aren't times you have to walk away from from an untrustworthy person, or hold them at arm's length, but there are also reasons to give second chances, or even third fourth and fifth chances. It's all about our motivation, what's in our heart. The truth is God has never given me a reason not to trust him, but my trust issues and fear have been keeping me from fully trusting him. So somewhere in the last 3 months I just decided we were going to jump on board with God and go where he leads. I was talking yesterday with another planner about just how hard(sometimes terrifying) that is. We have to be intentional about pushing ourselves in those situations. He was saying he has moments of "I'm not going to be comfortable with it, I don't know what's going to happen, but I will go anyway." I do too. I get frozen in my uncertainty and sometimes pushing myself to that point is difficult. A funny thing has happened though since I made that decision in this part of my life... I am enjoying it. I am finding a confidence I never knew was there. A confidence in what God has given me(skills, ability, personality, and yes even wisdom). It's not so much a confidence in me and my abilities, but rather who God has made/prepared me to be. I didn't do it, I can't celebrate my strength, just his.

Earlier this week someone voiced my dream, point blank, there it is, for the whole area to hear, as if it were already here. I was thrilled and terrified all at the same time. I have never been one to want to jump out and take authority for myself. I am more than willing to take it when it's given, but I don't crave it. That's been the hardest part about all of this, trying to figure out how and when God will give the end pieces of this dream he put in me and trying not to rush into it when the timings not right. The truth is, I am living this dream. God is using me in the exact place he wants me, right now! I don't need other people to see it to be following God. I just need to be willing. Whether or not that last piece ever falls into place doesn't really matter. What does is that I am listening, trusting and following God.