comfort vs calling

Lately I have been struggling with the difference between "I am not comfortable with that" and "God's not telling me to do that." God's not going to let me sit in my little fear driven world and never learn something new, do something difficult, go outside what I am comfortable with. I know that. It's called growth. Try new things, you learn something new everyday. These are cliche' thoughts for a reason, yet somehow when it comes to faith we forget these things or act like they don't apply. And by we, I mean me. As you know the last few months have been a time of serious growth and change for me. Yes, growth. Which means I have been asked to do some things way out of my comfort zone. This blog is one of them. I sat down one day and just wrote and wrote trying to figure out what God was telling me. It felt like I was rambling but it just needed to come out so I could figure it out. After showing it to my now infamous friend, he wouldn't let me keep it to myself. My husband agreed it was good to share, yet I couldn't be attached to it. After the better part of a day struggling with what to do, this blog was born as an anonymous way to put those thoughts out there. However, the moment I shared it people immediately knew it was me and all anonymity was gone.  I honestly didn't intend to start a blog or write as much as I have. God did though. I have had several people tell me about different things they have appreciated about it. Truth is, it's not me. I only write when God is teaching me things, and I always feel like I am struggling to get the words out. I have 2 family members that enjoy writing, and it comes reasonably easy to them, this is yet another one of those things I never felt strongly suited for, but God has a reason for it.
In college I started on a degree path and quickly realized I was more suited to people than mechanical things, so I went down a management variation of the degree I had already started. I focused on efficiency and how to work with people. When I graduated rather than using my degree I was pointed towards working for the university I had graduated from. At 24 I found myself working with college professors in a position that led me to have to both give respect and take charge. Some people let go of authority well and listen when they know you have a reason for what you are saying/asking... others do not. That's intimidating when your job relies on getting a person who has taught the same way for most of your life, to think differently. It was for our mutual good, and the good of their students but not all of them agreed with that. There were several encouraging professors who gave me confidence and helped me to find the balance and excel at that job. Then I quit and stayed home. I love that part of my life. I have always wanted to do that, so it was a dream come true. A year ago things started changing though. God started putting into place the pieces of the newest change.
Years ago I met a man who said "God doesn't waste training." The thought being that the things I learned in that degree I never put in the job market are still applicable. The things I learned from my last job are transferable. To look at my resume you would probably never peg me for the things God's asking me to do. I wouldn't peg me for them. The things God teaches us rarely show through on paper though. Sometimes the person who will be the most successful at a job is also the least likely. Take David and Gideon as examples. Neither seemed to fit the mold.
So I am currently undertaking something. If you had told me 10 years ago I would do this, I would have laughed in your face. The truth is, I love it. It's not easy, but every bit of training I have has put me in a good place for God to use me right here. I am surrounded by some truly amazing people, who's abilities and hearts truly blow me away some days. Together as a team we are accomplishing what God has asked us to do, and I am so excited to see this piece when it's finished.
All throughout this, rather long, process though I have had several moments where I said, I can't do that. Can't and won't are different. My sister once told me of an in-law that says "can't is a lie". I have used that with my kids,  Rather than saying I can't I encourage them to say "this is difficult", "I am struggling", "I need help" All of which fit the situation better than I can't. When I have hit my I can't moments I am learning to ask myself, am I afraid to do what God is asking me, or am I not supposed to go that way.
I have grown up in church, I have been on church stages for musicals, testimonies, plays, even youth run sundays. I am not unfamiliar with it, however I am incredibly uncomfortable with it. Several months back someone told me I needed to do something that would land me on the church stage. Ultimately I knew she was right, it fit with where I knew God wanted me, so I agreed. A week ago I had someone tell me I needed to do something else on stage, I didn't feel comfortable with. I took it to someone else and offered that I could, but wasn't sure I should and definitely had no "want" to beyond the desire to do what God led me to. That one I got out of. One of the hardest things for me is figuring out when to push through the fear and do it anyway, and when not to. Just because I can stand in a pit of snakes doesn't mean God is asking me to(yeah that's one he would have to work really hard on if he wants me to do it).  The truth is I think deep in us there's a peace when we truly open ourselves up to those nudges from God, even if they are uncomfortable. On the flip side, it's ok to be hesitant and seek the wisdom of others when there isn't a peace. I have some really great influences in my life that are truly out to help me find where God wants me, but ultimately only God and I can know what he is telling me.