Musings of a Muddled Mess

Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It is not rude. It is not self seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. As I am coming to know myself deeper and grow in my faith and in who God has made me to be I am realizing just how deeply I love this passage. While in some ways it has become cliche it's with good reason. Of all the things God is and His word calls us to, by far the biggest is love. Jesus even said "‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. ' This is the first and greatest commandment.   And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” Everything hinges on love. I honestly think it's really easy to lose sight of this, and getting easier it would seem.  For a while now I have been coming back to one compl...

For several weeks now I have been thinking a lot about my actions, words and thoughts. I have been asking myself one very big question "Do I show God's love in my interactions with others?". That's kind of a loaded question. What does it mean to show love? what is love? I mean we Americans love our spouse, pets, even tacos. Yet I hope I show my husband a different level of love than I do tacos. I really started to think about it in the context of those I don't agree with. Those that have said or done something that I see as not right. What is my reaction then? Am I quick to ignore it, tell someone else, take it to them in a harsh way? Honestly I tend towards all of those depending on the situation but not a one of those is truly loving.  This got me to thinking on 1 Corinthians 13. This is by far one of the most used wedding scriptures, but what about how it applies to those in our lives we don't really have any desire to love? What does it reveal to me abou...

I find myself unsure of how or where to start this time. I don't really know how to put these thoughts into words, which is usually the case with this blog. It all started with a need to figure out what I was thinking by putting it on paper and turned into a need to share those thoughts. I started the blog anonymously hoping to share those thoughts but maintain anonymity. It failed immediately, but that was ok. Honestly putting those thoughts out there in the beginning was one of the most difficult things I have ever been asked to do. It shared a piece of me so deep, it was scary to reveal so much. A funny thing has happened in the last 4 months though. I have come to want to share that part of myself with people. It was so freeing and I have gotten nothing but encouragement in return. I can't thank you all enough for that. For the first time in my life I have come to a point where I am not afraid. For me that is a very loaded statement. I am always afraid. Or at least I was. ...

Lately I have been struggling with the difference between "I am not comfortable with that" and "God's not telling me to do that." God's not going to let me sit in my little fear driven world and never learn something new, do something difficult, go outside what I am comfortable with. I know that. It's called growth. Try new things, you learn something new everyday. These are cliche' thoughts for a reason, yet somehow when it comes to faith we forget these things or act like they don't apply. And by we, I mean me. As you know the last few months have been a time of serious growth and change for me. Yes, growth. Which means I have been asked to do some things way out of my comfort zone. This blog is one of them. I sat down one day and just wrote and wrote trying to figure out what God was telling me. It felt like I was rambling but it just needed to come out so I could figure it out. After showing it to my now infamous friend, he wouldn't let ...

Today marks a significant moment in our marriage, 10 years. 10 years ago 2 young kids, who frankly had little idea what they were getting into; promised to love, honor and cherish each other for the rest of their lives. We had lots of folks give us advice about marriage before hand. Some discussed the importance of keeping God central in our marriage others talked to us about stealing the covers and fights over squeezing the toothpaste tube, but I don't know that anyone got in our faces real about what the next 10 years would be like. They would be fun; the last year of college as newly weds,  playing with our sweet babies, those ridiculous moments that only come from having spent a decade knowing what makes another person laugh. They would be joyful;  the celebrations with friends in weddings and births, the anticipation of each of our 5 pregnancies. They would be heartbreaking; the miscarriage of our first child, loss of grandparents, loss of trust situations. They would be ...

I have a handful of truly important memories from early childhood that revolve around church. It's in the couple who we could sit with at church that were just as strict on us as our own parents about behavior but loved on us. It's in the pastor's grown daughters. One who was incredibly joyful and wore the brightest red dress shoes; who embodied being who God made you to be no matter what. The other who gathered a group of elementary aged girls and taught us how to serve others first hand. Ultimately her story of finding a personal relationship with Christ is wrapped up in mine. There was an older couple who paired with their daughter to lead a VBS group of lower elementary kids. While they were always very proper, they knew how to show love and kindness to a group of rowdy kids. It's "Miss Ann" who taught preschool and elementary choir, and taught us what respect looked like by giving it to us even though we didn't earn or deserve it. The pastor who alwa...

Honesty is hard. Mostly it's hard because not everyone is trust worthy. Not everyone we open ourselves up to will be understanding, non-judgemental, helpful, kind, or loving. What's the most difficult part of your life, right now? How many people really know the depth of that situation? The struggles? The fear? The anxiety? One of the hardest things I have ever dealt with only about 7 people in my life know the full depth of. I really struggled with it for a while, it broke me. Which in turn wasn't making the situation any better. The more it hurt, the harder I struggled with it. Till one day I opened up and told someone. Now I will admit, my choice while trustworthy wasn't my best choice for my emotional state at the time. I quickly realized that and within days let someone else in on the situation. Someone I knew would keep me grounded. With each person I chose to open up to I found something really important, support. Sometimes the things that are the hardest in our ...