Musings of a Muddled Mess

Fear.  It's everywhere around us, present in so many ways. Am I afraid of the dark? Do I fear someone's reaction? Do I fear spiritual warfare?  In so many ways I think fear has become like love in our culture. The true depth of it is lost because of the various ways we see it all the time.  I have been thinking on fear a lot lately. I have come to a time in my life where fear does not rule my daily life. That's really crazy for me to say but it's true. I have such a confidence in God and his work I am not afraid of near as many things on a daily basis. Now don't get me wrong I still have fears. Recently I have had a family member dealing with some pretty scary things that leave a lot of unknowns, yes there is a level of fear and worry that will naturally come with that. But I can honestly say fear is not in the drivers seat of my life right now. While I am confident in God and hope that I have conquered this particular stronghold in my life, I also know better th...

12 years. 12 years ago yesterday I was having a rough day. I was fighting to be patient, to trust God. I was looking for his will and was ready for some clear answers. 12 years ago my infamous friend was singing "time is on my side" and "hooked on a feeling" to me every chance he got. 12 years ago I was that typical college girl. I had a good group of close friends, we were on the downhill slide of college and starting to dream about the future. 12 years ago I promised God not to run ahead of His timing. 12 Years ago I went to the BSU to watch a movie with friends knowing one particular person would be there. 12 years ago I had no idea that movie would be a pivotal event in my story. 12 years ago I sat talking, praying for one of the 2 guys left to leave so I could talk to the other. 12 years ago I stood waiting for my friend to come out of the bathroom so I could talk to him one last time before I went out the door and home. 12 years ago we had the most elementary ...

Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It is not rude. It is not self seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. As I am coming to know myself deeper and grow in my faith and in who God has made me to be I am realizing just how deeply I love this passage. While in some ways it has become cliche it's with good reason. Of all the things God is and His word calls us to, by far the biggest is love. Jesus even said "‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. ' This is the first and greatest commandment.   And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” Everything hinges on love. I honestly think it's really easy to lose sight of this, and getting easier it would seem.  For a while now I have been coming back to one compl...

For several weeks now I have been thinking a lot about my actions, words and thoughts. I have been asking myself one very big question "Do I show God's love in my interactions with others?". That's kind of a loaded question. What does it mean to show love? what is love? I mean we Americans love our spouse, pets, even tacos. Yet I hope I show my husband a different level of love than I do tacos. I really started to think about it in the context of those I don't agree with. Those that have said or done something that I see as not right. What is my reaction then? Am I quick to ignore it, tell someone else, take it to them in a harsh way? Honestly I tend towards all of those depending on the situation but not a one of those is truly loving.  This got me to thinking on 1 Corinthians 13. This is by far one of the most used wedding scriptures, but what about how it applies to those in our lives we don't really have any desire to love? What does it reveal to me abou...

I find myself unsure of how or where to start this time. I don't really know how to put these thoughts into words, which is usually the case with this blog. It all started with a need to figure out what I was thinking by putting it on paper and turned into a need to share those thoughts. I started the blog anonymously hoping to share those thoughts but maintain anonymity. It failed immediately, but that was ok. Honestly putting those thoughts out there in the beginning was one of the most difficult things I have ever been asked to do. It shared a piece of me so deep, it was scary to reveal so much. A funny thing has happened in the last 4 months though. I have come to want to share that part of myself with people. It was so freeing and I have gotten nothing but encouragement in return. I can't thank you all enough for that. For the first time in my life I have come to a point where I am not afraid. For me that is a very loaded statement. I am always afraid. Or at least I was. ...

Lately I have been struggling with the difference between "I am not comfortable with that" and "God's not telling me to do that." God's not going to let me sit in my little fear driven world and never learn something new, do something difficult, go outside what I am comfortable with. I know that. It's called growth. Try new things, you learn something new everyday. These are cliche' thoughts for a reason, yet somehow when it comes to faith we forget these things or act like they don't apply. And by we, I mean me. As you know the last few months have been a time of serious growth and change for me. Yes, growth. Which means I have been asked to do some things way out of my comfort zone. This blog is one of them. I sat down one day and just wrote and wrote trying to figure out what God was telling me. It felt like I was rambling but it just needed to come out so I could figure it out. After showing it to my now infamous friend, he wouldn't let ...

Today marks a significant moment in our marriage, 10 years. 10 years ago 2 young kids, who frankly had little idea what they were getting into; promised to love, honor and cherish each other for the rest of their lives. We had lots of folks give us advice about marriage before hand. Some discussed the importance of keeping God central in our marriage others talked to us about stealing the covers and fights over squeezing the toothpaste tube, but I don't know that anyone got in our faces real about what the next 10 years would be like. They would be fun; the last year of college as newly weds,  playing with our sweet babies, those ridiculous moments that only come from having spent a decade knowing what makes another person laugh. They would be joyful;  the celebrations with friends in weddings and births, the anticipation of each of our 5 pregnancies. They would be heartbreaking; the miscarriage of our first child, loss of grandparents, loss of trust situations. They would be ...